A1’s blog

Another week. Another day. Another night.
Wednesday was my first vacation in a long time.
I never left my room, stuck in complete awe of the colorful expressions around me. A slight insanity.
Never ending smiles flowed from my face as do rivers in the Amazon, that's when I remembered that all I did was eat a mushroom. I giggled with glee for hours and played with my environment with an understanding of living life to it's fullest. Pure love. Purity itself and a dash of environmental connection and wonder.
That experience alone keeps me excited for what Humboldt could bring.
Another month and another half a year.
I'm fucking tired of waiting.
Waiting on time and waiting on people.
Also, thought of the minute, Why the fuck are all my friends disappearing? All except for the loyal. That makes me question; What the hell did I do so wrongly to ignore my phone calls?

Drinking myself comatose feels good. 

"When a particular thing happens to you, don't ask yourself why it is happening. Choose why it is happening. Decide why it is happening. If you can't choose or decide with intention, then make it all up. You are anyway."

"When a particular thing happens to you, don't ask yourself why it is happening. Choose why it is happening. Decide why it is happening. If you can't choose or decide with intention, then make it all up. You are anyway."

Well, her heart was not broken, she just has lost all interest in Jess and Mel. She didn't want to be there. None-the-less, the coin has flipped. Mel hates me and Jess together and gives her shit all the time about it. Jealousy issues? Or does she really hate when her friends are happy. Fucked up on either spectrum. Well, a wise man once said, the worm moves slowly, but it turns.

I broke her heart. Guilt. She gave me her best wishes for my prey, and I was stupid enough to think that she was ready to move on. Guilt again. I anticipate tonight's confrontation. My mind speaks nonsensical monotonous monologue. Excuse my vacancy.

With vodka and rum in my blood, my encounters with people I knew and loved so dearly were absolutely bizarre. I felt the most anti-social vibe from Lauren who was only around for barely half an hour. Jess' sexual tension was painful, and Mel gave signs of stress even in a relaxed environment. I was a stumbling fool, trying to bring everyone comfort. That's when Jessie's flirtation took me and her to a bedroom and used it like a sex cage. Wrapped up into each other like duct tape, allowing our adhesive to last forever. In the middle of it all, we exchanged awkward laughter with accidental walk-ins, and faced the music of teenage mockery when we left our personal cloud nine. What I'll never understand is how I was high-fived yet she was teased ruthlessly. It made me feel like I lured and used her for my own desires. I fucking hate society.

Guilt took over my body: A portion due to the fact that our love lair was Mel's ten year old sister's bed; And it wasn't the first time in that room. A dramatic paranoia lingers in my mind. I feel that deep down that it caused a slight dent in Jess and Mel's friendship. That I caused some bruising. Guilt.

Maybe I really am just your dream character.

"It's like tears in rain, you can feel the emotion but you have to look hard enough to see them drip out of my eyes."

Humans, a living creature with the constant desire to feel. The highs and the lows, a distortion of the world around them. Obsessed with objects, goals, achievements. An entire species devoted to keeping an image. A race of liars. They fear true existence, becoming momentary. Enjoying the simple highlights of metallic objects. Looking into a mirror and laughing with your reflection. Exploring each day like it's your last, even if you don't leave your room.

I get it. Life is the moment. Not a series of distractions. Not an end goal. Not a good or bad choice. It's merely experiencing moments without boundaries day to day. Not a path with a beginning or end. It's a journey until you forget it all with your last breath on this spinning planet. That escape of air from your mouth as you descend into infinite sleep.